This by far has been the hardest blog I have written so far. Several attempts in and lots of deleting, cutting, and pasting. Nothing was fitting, and then I realized that I was trying to force it all together and tie a neat bow on top. As if the process was finished and I could move on. The truth is it isn’t over and it won’t be over. All of this is a practice and this practice will continue. The practice of discovering more, learning more, finding more, changing, deleting, cutting, pasting…just like writing this blog has been. Even the title didn’t work for me anymore, so I changed that as well. I do, however, want to complete this part of my Meditation blog series, so I will end with this:
The biggest take-away from meditation for me is that my spiritual practice is the core of who I am, and meditation is a huge part of my spiritual practice. Meditation has given me the space between the words. The space between my thoughts. The awareness to be proactive and choose a path of what I desire instead of reacting and being a victim of the circumstance.
Through all of my exploration, I have found that for now, silent meditations work best for me. I add in guided meditations here and there because I enjoy those as well. All along, I was seeking the answer to this question, “What is it that works for me?” Not just doing what other people prescribed in a book, in their lives, or what works for them. I respect all ways and know it is my journey to find what my truth is. As the Buddha said so wisely, “Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.”
More than eight years ago I began meditating. It all began with that simple, yet not so simple, five minutes. The funny thing is that the woman who began meditating is a person I don’t fully resonate with anymore. I don’t resonate with her high anxiety and deep lows. Nor do I resonate with her deep self-judgment, self-loathing, and busyness to avoid reality. What I do resonate with is her strength, her courage, her gratitude, and her determination. I am so grateful she made that decision to change. I am so grateful she had the courage to sit through the terror of the stillness and the silence and listen for the truth under her muddy thoughts. She began the journey of change that her soul was craving and I will always be grateful for her.
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This piece is not so much about the whole time period as it is more of an embodiment of what I learned through meditating and the essence of what I feel and know and find in the silence. I dedicate this to the 37-year-old version of myself who took the first dive into the mysterious world of silence.
The Tree I Am
“Rooted in the ground,
Surrounded by the light,
A warmth exploding from my chest.
A knowingness,
A calmness,
Small ripples in a pond from leaves falling gently to the surface.
“All is well,” the universe sings,
My only job is to let go and surrender to this truth;
And so I do.
I am reminded once again of how connected and taken care of I really am,
I smile with gratitude and whisper, ‘Amen.'”