I had a best friend for 14 solid years. We had actually known each other since we were 10 and so had been in and out of each other’s lives for 28 years. We were really more (as my former mentor would say) wound mates. We spent hours discussing how the world had wronged us and how they were all assholes and we were just doing what was best for them if they would just see it our way. We shared common hurts, pain, and childhood wounds. We also discussed these regularly, but only discussing the problems over and over and over. It had become quite the sick cycle of emneshed codependence. It was the only world I knew how to show up in and at the time really the only one I knew existed.
One of the last friendly phone calls we had with each other I told her that I was tired. I was tired of feeling crappy, tired of the bouts of deep depression and on going anxiety. Tired of all the weight I felt from my life. I decided in that moment that I was going to open every closet and let out all the skeletons and unleash all the secrets from the trunks I had stored them in. I was going to let the light shine on all of it and truly let it all go. She told me that was not a good idea and that I needed to put bigger chains around the trunks and get a bigger lock for the closet. This was the beginning of the end of that friendship. My soul had an agenda and I intended to follow it.
Two years later I wrote a poem about the experience of this friendship. The words soothed that tender part of me that needed to let her go even more. The part that also knew that by following my heart I had unlocked the depths of who I really am.
Here is that piece called Weight or Weightlessness:
“Our friendship used to feel like an anchor on my ankle,
Keeping me secured to the ground,
Keeping me safe,
It used to be secured with a nice neat rope with a sailor’s knot.
Time wore on and the rope became a chain,
Being secured to the ground was stifling,
Suffocating at best; it was choking me.
I tried to loosen the chain,
You tied it tighter and wound another one around.
You told me it was best for me to stay put,
To stay secured to the ground.
I wanted to fly,
You told me I couldn’t,
I wanted to fly,
You said I shouldn’t,
I wanted to fly,
You reminded me of all my fears.
I stopped fighting the chain,
I simply let go,
The chain disappeared.
I reached inside and found my wings,
I found the nearest cliff,
Jumped off and soared.
All our long conversations turned to short sharp words,
With jagged edges,
The words became silence,
The silence became a known good-bye.
I don’t miss the anchor,
I miss the laughter,
I miss knowing I had a best friend,
I miss the memories.
I chose my wings,
I chose to fly,
I chose to dream a bigger life.
If I had to do it all again,
I would choose my wings every time.”